Motherless
It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try.
I was taught to love my family and to just accept the love they give. With the passage of time and the dawning of maturity, I began to doubt this kind of unquestioning love. The chronic emotional and mental stress of the relationship with my mother came into a new light after the birth of my daughter.
I could no longer avoid and just accept a toxic relationship that was void of emotion and affection. I began to look at the dysfunctional familial relationship with her through the eyes of a me - a new parent, and started to see things differently.
I started asking myself questions like “Would I ever purposely treat my child with such indifference and disregard them so callously?” So many more questions I asked myself were met with “no.”
So, why would I just accept this behavior? Why was I allowing this constant stress to take up so much energy in my life?
I can look back and see now that I was holding out hope for a grand gesture while craving to receive maternal feelings of love and security. My inner child was holding out for love from the person that gave birth to her, but the adult in me sees that the love I was truly needing was love for myself.
The walls to unquestioning family loyalty came tumbling down around me about eight years ago. When I met my soulmate Tom.
After the split from my previous partner I decided to live with my mother, thought it may strengthen our relationship.
when I met Tom I had built up the illusion that she wanted to be part of our lives.
A year before the arrival of our daughter,
We tragically lost our daughter.
Our first daughter, from a rare heart defect at only 36 hours old.
My mother made contact with me, but failed to turn up on my doorstep to help comfort me and grieve the loss of my my daughter.
Her granddaughter.
It was after this final act of indifference that I made the decision, I could no longer allow the hurt and manipulation to continue. What was I teaching my children about boundaries if I was not creating healthy boundaries?
Toxic individuals, according to this adage, seldom change.
Because if someone isn’t accepting responsibility for their acts and lacks self-awareness, how can you expect them to alter their ways? The change I was waiting for was not her to change but my willingness to change.
At first, I questioned my decision to end this relationship. Was it cruel of me to not allow my child to know their grandmother? However, at the same time the realization came that she was not really a part of our lives.
Unraveling this toxic tie has been an act of self-love. For myself, for my inner child who is still healing, and for my child, so she can witness her mother loving herself enough to quit letting someone else harm her.
Since this decision, I have had my family.
Well, my grandfather still tries to talk to me about my decision. Telling me stories of how their friends severed their relationship with a family member and regretted it after their passing. When that time happens, I will grieve, I will grieve for what never was.
Instead of clinging to this toxic relationship, I am teaching my child so much more by ending the cycle of neglect and creating healthy boundaries. I am showing my child how to love herself.
- Soulmate to Tom
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